Chapter Text
I’m sinking into a deep, dark, empty murk. It’s swallowing me. There’s nothing there. Nothing around me. Nothing… in me, either. I’m nothing. No one. No… problems.
I like it that way.
“… tsumi… ke up.”
There’s something. A hand on my shoulder. Tries to drag me out of the murk. Tries to… make me be something.
“Izutsumi…”
I groan and try to dig deeper. I… don’t want to be Izutsumi. Being Izutsumi sucks right now. It… hurts.
The hand jostles me and makes me grimace. My aching, sore, broken body screams all over. Makes me curl up tighter.
“… wake up.”
I try to desperately push it all away and tell the hand and the noises to get lost. I can’t manage anything more than mumbling and a weak slap. All it does is remind me… again… that I am…
“Izutsumi, time to wake up.”
The hand finally heaves me over, into horrible, horrible light that burns me. I whine and blink, until I can just barely make out Marcille’s shape, shaking me awake.
I fumble for a blanket and try to hide, but she snatches it away.
“Lemme…” I start… but then there’s fingers scratching around my head and neck. Making being Izutsumi suck just… a tiny bit less.
“Hey there. It’s already well into afternoon. You should wake up. I got you some breakfast.”
The fingers scratch and rub. I try to let them make this feel better. But… it’s really not working out. Something’s… wrong. My head feels so dull and thick. Everything hurts. I don’t… even remember why I’m feeling this bad. I just want to… not be again.
“Can I just… sleep”, I mumble.
“Let’s at least get some food into you, okay? Here.”
Marcille grabs a plate and pushes it at me. Smells creep into my nose.
“See, it’s good, isn’t it. Bacon, and eggs, and some fresh bread. I got you milk, too!”
My head’s just barely starting to latch onto that smell, as she waves the food under my nose. It’s waking me up. Waking my guts up too. Making me figure out I haven’t eaten since… forever. Making me…
… Making me sick.
I let out a groan and shove the plate out of the way so that I can bend over and hurl. I just barely manage to aim on the floor.
“Oh… hey, hey. Izutsumi, are you okay?”
Marcille grabs my shoulder, so I don’t tumble down into my own sick. I don’t even know what I’m throwing up at this point…
I heave and sputter and retch. Somehow… it slaps my head back on a little. Like I’m letting out a bit of pain. Clears me out enough to figure out there’s so much more of that…
“Hurts… bad”, I groan, spitting out nasty chunks.
Marcille tries to rub my back.
“What’s hurting?”
“… Me. I hurt.”
Her other hand reaches for my head. Pushes down until she feels the skin under the fur.
“You’re… burning up. Hold on…”
She stomps off while I fall back onto the pillows like a corpse. I almost pass out again in the time it takes her to get me water and a bowl.
Marcille helps me rinse my mouth and drink some. It cools my throat, soothes it… and makes my stomach groan and roil almost enough to throw it back up.
Marcille lets me lie down and be a corpse again while she cleans up the floor. I don’t even need to open my eyes to know she’s throwing me antsy looks.
“You’ve been… going pretty rough. It’s catching up. You need to rest…”
Can’t disagree… though lying here, it’s slowly sinking in that something is hurting worse than the rest. Like I’m lying on a sharp rock…
“The… the cut. On my back. It… hurts a lot.”
I groan again when Marcille slowly turns me on my side and gets through my shirt and all the bandages. She tries to be careful, but that’s not helping. And the sharp breath she takes doesn’t either…
“Oh… oh no. This… looks bad. How has it gotten this bad now…”
My teeth clench when she brushes a finger too close. Like fire, again… but worse. Now that the cut is in the open, I can just about smell it. Makes me retch again.
She… did tell me to take it easy. I guess… yesterday really wasn’t that… or the day before.
Marcille takes a deep breath.
“I… I’ll try to heal it, okay? Just keep steady and…”
Her hand lands on the wound and makes me twitch. I try to mumble something about how pale she still is… but she’s already chanting before my dull head can even form the words. I barely remember to brace for the pain.
And then… nothing. Marcille lets out a ragged breath and lurches. She grabs a bedpost and squeezes her head.
“I’m… sorry. I don’t… have the mana for this”, she groans, eyes and teeth clenched.
I don’t even know if she’s grimacing because she’s hurting… or because I am.
Marcille’s eyes go to the shelf where she keeps the wound stuff. But she shakes her head. Some… ointment isn’t going to fix this…
“I’ll… have to… fetch some stuff. We’ll be okay. I just need to…”
She paces around the room like she’s freaking out. Like she has no idea what to do now. One problem too far…
I take a breath and work my mouth. My Marcille… is hurting again…
“Marcille… calm down. I’m not dead. Just sick.”
She looks at me like she wants to actually argue that… but then she takes a breath and nods.
“… Yeah. We… can handle this. I just… need to go to my laboratory. I’ve got preserved herbs there. I can… mix some medicine to help with infection and pain and… all that.”
She comes back to me and puts a hand on my head again. Makes me drink a bit more water that sloshes into my empty belly.
“I’ll… I’ll go to the kitchen too, and get you something easier to eat, okay? You need to eat, you… really need some strength. Maybe… maybe some soup or gruel or… whatever you want?”
She looks at me and tries to smile… but I guess even she’s starting to run out right now. An angry, sharp noise stabs into my head as I stare into her desperate eyes.
Look at her, bending over backwards to do crap again because you’re too weak. Maizuru made you push way harder in worse shape…
“I’m… okay. I don’t…” my mouth starts stammering. But…
Marcille’s eyes are so full of fear and worry. None of that… will go away if I just tell her to stop fussing…
And I… can’t even pretend I don’t feel like sh*t.
Yeah. You’ve gotten all soft. All ready to…
Just… shut the hell up.
“… Yeah. Okay. Maybe… I could eat a bit.”
I take a breath and push down all the angry noises guilting me. Then I press Marcille’s hand against my cheek. I… promised her I’d trust her with things, didn’t I?
“And… and something for the pain… sounds pretty good too. Yesterday… was pretty rough.”
Marcille blinks. Like she was getting all ready to argue. Then… the smile gets a bit more real.
“… Alright, my girl. Just leave all that to me. We’ll definitely get all this sorted, okay?”
She leans down and presses her lips against my forehead, before tousling my hair and standing up.
She goes around the room. Finds a basket. Gets me more water. She looks a lot… calmer, suddenly. A lot more like… it’s actually making her feel better that she can do something. It’s… a lot better than all the times of trying to tell her I don’t need fussing.
She’s already at the door when she turns back to look at me.
“I won’t be gone for long, okay? I’ll get things sorted and make sure it’s right!”
Just… needs to make things better for me. Stupid…
“Uh. I… need one more… thing”, I mumble.
Marcille perks up and steps back to me right away.
“Yeah? What does my girl need?”
“Can I… can I get another… kiss? It… helped a bit.”
I guess I’m being stupid too. Marcille lets out a chuckle, somehow.
“Oh… of course my girl gets a kiss…”
She leans down and presses against me. Knows just what to do. Just like last night. And just like last night… she makes it feel a bit less wrong, even if I’m all weak.
-
Marcille Donato closes the door to her chamber and checks the lock. Then she checks it again. Right now… she really can’t be too careful about these things.
Even that… does nothing for how her hand shivers, resting on the handle. She closes her eyes and takes deep breaths, until it manages to settle, and all the fear pushes down a little.
Then, and only then, she turns and takes steps down the corridor, clutching her basket. Her feet feel stiff and wobbly at the same time, like the floor is listing under her. Her head is jumbled and feverish.
The… mana sickness really isn’t easing up. Healing Kabru took a… lot out of her. Trying to heal Izutsumi just now… really did not help, either.
Marcille shakes her head and sets her jaw. No time to worry about that. Her girl needs her. She pushes one foot in front of the other, forces them straight. Focuses.
It’s a bit better by the time she makes her way past Laios’ chamber. She notes, with some relief and trepidation, that the servants have already cleaned off all the… blood. A… small comfort, she supposes. Some soap and water and… all okay again.
… Would that all this was so easy to fix. Marcille really has no idea what it will even take. She… doesn’t even have any idea why any of this had to happen at all.
Marcille’s feet almost give out from under her when she sees the broken window, to the side. The servants… haven’t gotten around to that yet. The shards are still there. The shards… and the blood.
She clenches the basket harder, as if it could somehow steady her. Even… remembering Izutsumi as she was, last night, is threatening to sink her. It… wasn’t her Izutsumi at all. What she saw was something horrible. Something…
Marcille clenches her eyes and swallows. No. She can’t start thinking about that. She… needs to keep moving. All of that… will be sorted out in time. Izutsumi promised she’d tell her. No… judgements until then. There is a reason for all this. Has to be…
She pushes on, down the stairs, through the corridors. With every person that passes her by, she can feel her heart hammering in her chest. Each glance at her is a new guilty flinch she has to suppress.
She pushes past them, teeth clenched, face stiff to the point of dead. She forces every step steady. Forces herself to… somehow… look as if she wasn’t guilty. As if she… didn’t know anything about Izutsumi now.
She has to keep steady. Nothing is off. Nothing at all. Or otherwise… otherwise her girl is in danger.
-
Marcille’s still clenching her basket just as tightly, forcing herself just as steady, by the time she stands in the kitchen, waiting for the cook to return with what she asked for.
“Here you are, miss”, the woman tells her, handing her a clay pot full of thin gruel.
Marcille’s painfully aware of the way the woman is glancing at her. Wondering why she even bothered asking for breakfast in the afternoon, if she didn’t even like it.
“Thank you. I’m… sorry about the bother. My… stomach just did not agree with the breakfast. Must be all the celebrations yesterday.”
“Oh, it’s no bother at all!” the woman tells her, with a voice that almost manages to convince.
She gives Marcille the bottle, too, along with another look.
“But… wine, miss? Are you certain? It… won’t agree with an upset stomach any more.”
“It’s… for mixing medicinals. I’ll manage!” Marcille mumbles. She cringes at how guilty her nervous laugh feels…
“… Alright then, miss. Do try to get some rest, won’t you? You do look awfully pale.”
Marcille takes a breath and nods. She even manages to offer the cook a little smile. If only…
She almost makes it out of the kitchen before the woman’s voice comes after her.
“I hear there was quite the commotion up there, last night. People are talking about it all over!”
Marcille does her very best to pretend her ears have gone as dead and dumb as her panicked head is starting to feel like, as she stumbles away on terrified, stiff legs.
-
“Miss Donato!”
The rough, harsh voice makes Marcille almost drop the heavy basket as she flinches. She’s already grimacing. Oh no, not this, not right now…
She turns, taking deep breaths, to see Count Ulgief stomping towards her. The huge man is flanked by two large bodyguards, hands resting on their swords, eyes sweeping all over.
“Oh, um, hello, Count”, Marcille mumbles. She somehow manages to remember the way her mother, long ago, taught her to do a proper curtsy.
“I see you have arranged for some… security”, she adds, warily.
The Count merely scoffs. His head is covered in bandages, as if he’s suffered a grievous wound… and not the angry bump Marcille knows is hiding under there.
Barely even that, after she had to waste mana on that, too…
“Yes yes, good day. Well, there is clearly need for protection. A crazed beastman is on the loose, and King Laios is barely doing anything at all!”
Marcille forces on yet another smile.
“We… are all still recovering from the… incident. Kabru must still be resting too. They… will decide what to do. And Laios has already sent out many guards, so it’s perfectly safe…”
The Count thrusts a finger at her and regards her coolly.
“I doubt it is, and regardless, this is a serious situation! I am certainly… disheartened by the lack of real action. The beast must be caught and taken care of before…”
Marcille dearly tries to bite her tongue, but it doesn’t obey.
“Izutsumi… is not some… ‘beast.’ Nobody here wishes to… harm her. Laios and Kabru… and the council… will decide what to do, but we will handle the matter… civilly.”
Count Ulgief glares at her. As if all that disgusts him. His eyes narrow.
“Yes… and speaking of, I wished to ask you a question. You… would not happen to have any idea where the beastman might be now, would you?”
Marcille squeezes the basket tighter. Forces her hands steady.
“… Good Count, how would I know? I have been in my chambers all day, resting after that… dreadful incident.”
No lie there, at least… but it doesn’t make the count’s eyes any less narrow…
“Miss Donato… you were seen assisting that creature.”
Her fingers just about crush the wicker handle. She can feel the blood draining from her face.
“What? No, certainly not! I have no idea where Izutsumi might be now!”
He rolls his eyes, as if he’s tiring of this whole game.
“Come now, Miss Donato. You might feel ashamed, and I understand the beastman is… an associate, but you were seen. I myself saw it!”
The count steps forward, voice rising. He really is huge, even for a tall-man. Marcille stumbles back, stammering.
“I… really do not have any idea what…”
The finger thrusts at her again.
“Do you honestly mean to claim you did not… wrangle the creature all night? I saw it with my own eyes! You were right there when she… it lashed out! Clearly, you are fond of the creature.”
Marcille blinks… and cringes. Oh, she and her stupid, stupid nerves…
“Oh… oh, yes. I… sorry, I must have misunderstood. Yes, I suppose I did. But I have no idea where she might be now. After all, I stayed to aid you and Kabru.”
Count Ulgief eyes her, as if considering whether to press the issue. Marcille… really does not like the sharpness. That’s not idle curiosity…
Finally, he sighs… and gives a crooked smile.
“A pity. But it is no matter. If the beastman is still here… it will be found. Soon, I imagine!”
The certainty in his voice gives Marcille pause.
“What… ever do you mean?”
The count waves his hand around. He looks… so very satisfied with himself.
“People here demand justice, Miss Donato… and I can sympathise! Why, I offered some of my own hunting hounds, and some of my huntsmen, to track the beast down! They’ll make short work of the hunt!”
Marcille stares. Her mouth makes dumb, horrified movements.
“Laios… would never agree to something like that! He…”
“Yes, he was not very taken with the idea. But many in his council certainly saw the wisdom in it. And it would not do for a king to stand in the way of proper justice!”
Count Ulgief looks on, smugly.
“There is nowhere for the beast to hide now… and frankly, I doubt it has gotten very far. It was wounded when it escaped, after all…”
Marcille… can barely breathe. This… horrible man wants to… hunt down Izutsumi. Her… friend. Her girl. And many here… agree.
“That’s… you can’t do that…” she mumbles.
“Izutsumi… is not a… beast. She… she is one of us. This isn’t…”
Marcille stumbles back another step as the man surges forward like a furious tide.
“It certainly lashed out like one! A dangerous, crazed beast! No one here is safe. It will be found. And if the creature comes quietly, we might even avoid any additional… unpleasantness.”
Marcille shivers from the way he says that. He… clearly does not wish to avoid anything.
“This isn’t right. This is…”
“Not right, Miss Donato? This is justice! That beast lashed out at an ambassador, and the king’s own aide! I will not be humiliated like this without…”
“Is everything alright here, Court Magician?”
Both Marcille and Count Ulgief, as well as the bodyguards, turn to look at the two guards staring at them.
Marcille swallows, before slipping out from between the wall and the huge, furious nobleman.
“Yes… yes, it’s alright. The Count… merely wanted to ask me some things. And sadly, I really have no idea. Now, if you excuse me, I must go…”
Marcille turns on stiff legs, thankful for the interruption, ready to just flee.
“Miss Donato, why are you carrying food with you?”
Count Ulgief’s pointing at the basket. The cloth covering it has slipped…
“I’m… just taking my meal in my chambers. I’m… quite exhausted at the moment and…”
“But Miss Donato, you were seen carrying a whole tray up there, just previously.”
Marcille flinches, as Count Ulgief stares at her with that same sharpness. Not… idle curiosity at all.
“I… did not find it to my liking. And now, I really must…”
She flinches when he suddenly plucks something from her shirt, awfully quickly for his size. She looks on, lungs seizing, as he lifts it up to the light. Black… and white hairs.
“… Miss Donato, what might this be?”
“It… looks like some hair. I don’t…” she stammers.
“But not human hair, is it? It’s… from the beastman.”
Marcille’s feet are desperately trying to turn and run. All the rest of her is trying to collapse.
“Yes… well. Izutsumi… did spend time in my chambers, before all this. They must have… gotten into my clothes at some point.”
The count opens his mouth… but Marcille finally finds the wits to turn… and move her feet.
“I… must go now…” she mutters, mouth stiff, and forces her eyes straight ahead.
She can feel Count Ulgief’s eyes boring into her as she goes. She does not stop, not even when she’s out of view. Her feet desperately pull home… but she forces them towards her laboratory. She… needs those herbs.
… And she is clearly being watched. She has to act… casual. Izutsumi is safe for now… as safe as can be, at least. The door is locked, and she will not be gone long. It’s… alright.
Even if she feels like she’s choking worse with every step.
-
Marcille isn’t sure when she manages to next take a proper breath. Possibly by the time she reaches her laboratory, in one of the many towers of the castle. Or when she fumbles the door shut behind herself… and her terrified feet can finally stop their numb tread.
Though… it still doesn’t feel like proper breaths. Not when she’s standing there, heaving, hand clutching the door handle and shoulders shaking. Not when she… wants to just fall apart.
All that just now… The Count… hounds and hunters… those hairs he plucked out… spins in her mind and leaves it spinning, too. More terrors, in her already terrified head. Somehow… there is always room for more. And things… can always be worse…
She clenches her eyes shut and shakes her head. That just means she has to act now, instead of whimpering here. Izutsumi is waiting for her, alone and feverish and hurting.
Marcille steps forward, into her laboratory, and takes a deep breath… which breaks into a cough, in the dusty air.
She hasn’t been here much lately, has she. It’s been… weeks, at least. She’s supposed to keep the laboratory clean herself. Too many dangerous things to let the servants in…
She can’t help glancing around. Once upon a time, she thought she’d be spending much of her time here. Furthering her academic pursuits. Working on her craft. Making… discoveries worthy of her many, many years of studies and efforts.
… So naively optimistic. There’s always something else now. Always… paperwork, and drudgery, and… worries. Hers… and Izutsumi’s. Trying and hoping they’ll somehow get through all this.
For a moment, she stops. Her fingers clench tight when the thought slithers in. Getting through all this. Right now, that somehow seems even more naive than any academic aspirations. So… many problems…
She shakes her head again and slaps herself on both cheeks. So many problems… and none of them will get better like this! She needs to move. And focus.
Marcille finally makes her way to the herb preserves at the back, behind all the shelves. Everything’s neatly lined up in bundles and jars and pouches.
She goes through it all, picking out anything, everything, that might help… as far as that goes. Dried herbs aren’t nearly as good as fresh ones. And neither is as good as magic.
But… it can’t be helped. She can’t very well just… go ask Pattadol, or Mithrun, or anyone else capable of healing magic for help. Can’t… let them find her girl. Right now… they will have to make do with this.
Marcille huffs out a breath. It’s only until she manages to regain some mana, anyway. She just needs to keep Izutsumi in well enough shape until then. She can do that. She’s Marcille Donato, the acclaimed magical talent. Even with just herbs, she can do this.
… She has to, anyway. Her girl is scared and in pain and… and hunted. Izutsumi needs her. And so, she has to. All there is to it.
Jaw set, shoulders squared, Marcille hauls the herbs to her basket.
But suddenly… she’s not alone. Someone’s standing right there. She lets out a yelp and flinches to the side. A jar goes flying from her hand and crashes to the floor.
Marcille stares, gasping. It’s… it’s her. She’s staring… at a mirror. She lets out a frustrated, hissing breath. Oh, she’s a mess, isn’t she. Spooking at her own reflection now…
She’s about to crouch and gather up the mess… but then she looks at that reflection properly.
… No wonder she spooked. Her reflection looks… awful. So dishevelled and tired. Like some pale, miserable ghost. Like it’s just… full of pain and exhaustion.
She… supposes it isn’t entirely wrong. She… has been rather tired, lately. There has been… much and more to do, hasn’t there. More and more problems.
Things… have been getting harder and harder. Harder and harder for Izutsumi… and then harder and harder for Marcille, too. And the more she does, the more there seems to…
She shakes her head. No, no use in thinking about that. It’s not Izutsumi’s fault, anyway. Her girl is clearly… suffering, somehow. She needs help, not useless blame. And… who else could help her but Marcille?
She pushes out another determined huff and picks up her drooping shoulders. Yes. Izutsumi needs help, and Marcille will help. Things will get better. That’s all there is to it.
Why, Izutsumi even promised she’d finally, finally let her in, tell her what she needs. So now… things might finally start making sense!
… Even if Marcille’s not sure how she’s going to manage to fix all this, at this point. Things are so… bad already. She does not know how anything she can do now is supposed to somehow…
She clenches her jaw, once more. She shouldn’t think about all that at once. She’s already learned that. One thing at a time. And right now, that thing is the herbs… and this mess she’s made.
She lifts her head up, squares her shoulders, and gives her reflection one final, defiant look before crouching to gather up the mess. She’s stronger than that tortured ghost. She certainly is.
She barely has time to reach for a glass shard before her hand trembles. Badly enough that it slips… and slices her open.
She grimaces and clutches her bleeding palm. She tries to turn it into an angry hiss… but all that comes out of her is a… drawn-out, pathetic sob. Her shoulders tremble.
What… use is there in pretending to be strong right now? Pretending that this will all somehow turn out just fine? There’s no one here but her… and she can’t fool herself. No matter how she tries.
She… feels worse than that reflection could ever show.
Another sob tumbles out… followed by tears that shake her. Her girl… her very own girl… is in so much pain… and so is Marcille. And she truly has no idea how to fix any of this. She feels… helpless.
She’s Marcille Donato, an acclaimed and respected academic and one of the most brilliant students in the history of her school, a master in her field…
…But right now, she feels like one weak, whimpering, helpless woman who can barely keep standing. How… how is she supposed to raise up… two people above all this?
There are no answers here, in her laboratory. Right now… all Marcille can do, alone and unseen… is bleed out just a little of the pain and grief and despair she has kept in. She cries.
She cries for herself, and Izutsumi, and for all the things that now feel so impossible. She cries for the simpler times that seem so far away now. And she cries for things to come, that loom closer and closer. She cries, and blood and tears fall and mingle.
She pulls in pained breaths. She’ll need to get a hold of herself, soon. She’s a mess, and Izutsumi needs her, more than ever. Even if all she has are these damn worthless herbs, she must…
“Marcille? Are you in here?”
She flinches when Laios’ voice echoes through the laboratory. Oh no. She… did not lock the door. No, why now…
The footsteps draw closer, behind the shelves. Marcille tries to desperately wipe away all the pain… but it’s useless. By the time Laios steps into view, she’s still huddled there, face streaked and puffy, hand bloody.
“Oh”, he says, softly, taking her in.
“… Laios”, she mumbles, and forces herself to her feet.
Laios steps closer, carefully. The shards crunch under his shoes.
“I… was looking for you. I had some… matters. But… are you okay?”
“Yes… yes, everything’s okay. I suppose I’m just feeling a bit… rough”, Marcille sighs. No use trying to hide it…
“I understand. I am too”, he nods.
Silence hangs between the king and the court magician for a moment, before Marcille lets out a cough.
“You… wanted to ask something?”
Laios shakes his head.
“Never mind that. Here.”
He tugs out a napkin before taking Marcille’s hand and wrapping the cloth around her bleeding palm.
“Oh… thank you”, she mumbles.
“Do you… need help with anything?” King Laios asks, eyes full of soft concern.
Marcille takes a deep breath and glances at him.
“I… I saw Count Ulgief, just now. He… talked about… hunting Izutsumi, with hounds and… and everything. He claimed that many in the council wanted that!”
She’d dearly like to see Laios surprised, to hear him claim it’s all a lie… but his sad, defeated face just sinks her heart further.
“Yes. I’m… afraid… I couldn’t convince them to drop it. People are… angry and calling for… justice.”
Marcille swallows. So, even the king is powerless now. She… has no idea what the court magician is supposed to do…
Laios sighs.
“I… did send some of my own men to join them. Trusted men. I know they won’t let them harm her, if they find her. But… I couldn’t stop it. Maybe if Kabru had been there…”
He trails off. Marcille takes a breath, squeezing the napkin against her palm. Would that… change anything? Would Kabru even… disagree with any of that after… what Izutsumi did?
“How… how is he now?”
Laios’ face gets no easier.
“He’s… managing. He says he will be up soon, but… it’s not easy. I was actually looking for you to see if you might have something to help him. With the… pain and all that.”
Marcille lets out a sharp, awkward breath. Her hand clenches around one of the herbs she picked out of the mess of shards.
“I’m sorry, but I… need them right now. For a… personal matter. I’ll see what I can do later, okay?”
Laios nods, and finally, carefully, offers her a smile.
“Alright. Don’t worry, I’ll send someone to the apothecary in town. I was just seeing if you might have something right away. It’s fine.”
There’s a moment of silence. Marcille crouches back down to pick out whatever herbs she can from among the shards.
“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do for you?” Laios suddenly asks, still clearly worried.
Marcille takes a breath and wipes her face some more. She must be a mess right now…
“No, no. I… really am fine. Just… a bit tired. You’ve got enough on your plate anyway. Did you… get any rest?”
Marcille hates how bad a liar she is. She hates having to lie in the first place. Thankfully, Laios is equally bad at noticing it. He shakes his head.
“I… keep thinking about last night. About Izutsumi. She seemed… really distressed. Did she… say anything to you?”
Marcille frowns. Laios… rarely notices things like that. But… did he, yesterday? She racks her head. Was there anything…
“… No, I don’t… think so. At least… nothing like… that. She never liked these parties, but…”
Marcille falls silent. Should she have expected this? Should she have realized it was something… so much worse than just not liking this? Did she just… ignore her partner’s problems?
Laios takes a breath.
“It felt like she was trying to hide something. I… did try to ask her, but she said it was alright, and I… was too busy. But now I keep wondering if… things might be different if she’d been able to tell me.”
Laios’s eyes go back to Marcille, and he nods.
“… She looked quite a bit like you, honestly.”
Marcille flinches, surprised. For a moment, she forgets the dread rising in her.
“Me? Oh, no. Really, I’m fine, don’t worry. We’re all just tired, right? Let’s just… focus on getting through all this, right?”
Laios stares at her, like he’s really wondering whether to believe that. But then, finally, he sighs.
“Yes. I suppose. But… please, if there’s anything I can do, anything at all, please come talk to me, alright? Being a king… counts for nothing if I can’t even help my friends.”
Marcille manages a tired smile for him, through the drying tears.
“I will, Laios. But don’t worry, you’re a good kind. And we’ll get through this. All this… is still fixable.”
Laios doesn’t even try to smile. His eyes go down, as if he’s pondering those words.
“I… hope so. I can’t help but feel that we are all… losing touch with each other. Too much going on. It’s not like back then, when we only had each other, in the dungeon. And… sometimes I wish it was. Maybe then… I would have been able to prevent this.”
Marcille can only look, as Laios sighs, and nods.
“Well. I’ll stop bothering you now. You clearly have enough to worry about. But… if there’s anything…”
“Yeah. Thank you, Laios.”
“I’ll… try to do something about Count Ulgief.”
The Good King Laios turns around. His footsteps echo in the laboratory as he walks away, behind the shelves.
Marcille glances down at the napkin around her hand. She frowns.
He’s… right, isn’t he. It isn’t like back then. Things are… complicated now. Too busy.
Did Laios… really notice something? Would things be different now, if Izutsumi had just… trusted her friends? Just told them instead of letting… whatever caused all this… spiral out of control?
… Is she any better, right now, somehow trying to hold all this up on her own?
“Um…Laios!” she stammers out before she can stop herself.
After a moment, Laios steps back into view, brows raised.
“Yes?”
She glances up and takes a breath. Maybe… things would be different.
“Actually… there is something…”
-
They’re coming. Run!
I push forward on shaky legs, run like mad. My heart hammers in my scrawny, bony chest like it’s trying to run too, break free and leave me for dead.
Run!
The noises behind me whip the panic higher. The shouting of men… and the gnashing and barking of dogs. All after me. All hunting me. Hunting for the little beast that managed to slip from its cage.
Run faster!
I can’t even breathe. My empty belly is gnawing at me even through the panic. My limbs are about to give out, whining and groaning after all the time chained up.
My body feels like it’ll give up any moment. Like I’ll just drop dead. But the barking won’t stop.
Run!
It’s all a blur, inside and outside my head. All I know is… I run, whining and whimpering all the way. I’m free, for just a moment, free from all the pain and misery.
Run!
The barking is getting closer. They’re snapping at my heels. And then… the nets come. I screech and flail and fall to the ground, tangled and caught. The dogs gnash at me, barely held back, and the men laugh and shake me and kick and…
The barking hits me, louder than before. Louder than even in all my nightmares. It hits… my ears. My real ears.
My eyes snap open, darting everywhere as I pant and gasp and writhe, tangled in… in my bedsheets. In Marcille’s chamber. Home.
It still takes my feverish head way too many moments to stop panting in terror and actually realize I’m… not a tiny, whimpering thing desperately running from the cage. I’m… Izutsumi. All that… was a nightmare.
No. A memory. Someone else’s memory. So long ago…
… But the barking is not. I flinch when it comes again, so loud and sharp, from outside the window. It’s… just the same as I remember.
The… way I curl up and whimper is the same, too…
Run!
There’s… men shouting, along the dogs. It’s… just like back then, too. Enough to make me whimper just a bit more.
I shake my head, and finally work my limbs out of the mess of bedsheets I’ve tangled myself in. I must have fallen asleep again after Marcille left. Awoken by… whatever is going on out there.
Slowly, I sidle to the edge of the bed and push my feet out. They’re shaking all over. I have to grab a bedpost to get up, and my arms aren’t much better. I… really am sick…
I force myself up and stumble and shuffle over to the window. Something’s going on…
I work the edge of the curtain with shaky fingers, until I can peer out from a tiny little gap. The setting sun nearly blinds me. I blink and blink, until I can finally make out what’s causing all the horrid noises.
There’s… men, going around the yard, with at least two big dogs that lunge and gnash at things. Not Laios’ guards. I can tell that much. They must be that… that count’s.
They’re pushing through people, just making a mess. Hefting around… crossbows. They’re… looking for something.
And my fever-softened brain finally manages to make out what one of the men is holding. It’s… my vest. The one I tossed last night when I ran.
They’re looking for… me. With dogs and… crossbows.
They’re not looking for anything. They’re hunting.
One of the dogs looks right my way and barks, huge white fangs gnashing. I stumble back and hit a chair. Fall right onto my ass with a bang.
I don’t even have time to grimace. The pain doesn’t even matter. What matters… is the panic seizing my lungs. Making me squeeze my head and whimper and gasp, eyes wide.
I go flat when the barking and shouts come again. It’s like… the nightmare’s followed me here.
This isn’t a nightmare, idiot. This is real. They’re hunting you now. Hunting the beast. They’re going to find you and tear you apart and shoot you down. Run!
I try to shake my head, to push it away. No. Laios wouldn’t do that. Laios wouldn’t let that happen. Marcille… said she’d take care of me too. They… wouldn’t let this happen…
The panic just hammers into my throbbing, screaming skull harder.
It’s already happening. They’ll track you down here so easily. Nobody’s going to save you. You’re alone, like always. Run!
The barking won’t stop. The shouting just gets louder. If there was anything left in me, I’d throw it all up now.
Get up. You need to get out of here. Doesn’t f*cking matter how sick you are. You need to run. Now!
I stumble up, grabbing at chairs, and the bed, and the table. Something knocks over, but I don’t even care. I scrabble to the door. Panic is tearing me apart. I’m a small, stupid prey-thing. I need to get out and…
Just trust me, okay?
I’m already almost at the door when those words go through my head. When my head finally even catches onto what I’m doing.
I stop and almost fall over. I… promised Marcille, didn’t I? I said I’d trust her. She told me that even… even if it’s bad… she’d figure it out.
That’s just words, idiot. Words don’t mean anything. They’re less than nothing, they’re a trap. They won’t do anything when the fangs come. When the nets come. When…
I wince and take another step towards the door.
I won’t let anything happen to my girl.
I clench my eyes shut. Too many noises. My head’s hammering. I feel like I’m choking. The… fever’s burning my head…
I stumble to the table and fumble for the water jug. Arms shaking, I lift it to my mouth and drink in heaving gulps. It goes all over me and the floor… but some gets into my mouth too. Cools my burning body, drowns the panic just a little.
I set the jug down, coughing and sputtering and… breathing again, finally. No. Can’t… run now. I couldn’t run anyway, not as I am now. I’m having to hold onto the table to not fall over… and even that hurts.
I’m… safer here than out there. This… is the only place where I’m safe at all, now…
And… I promised Marcille last night. And for the first time in my life… I really, really meant it. That… I’d actually trust someone, even… even if it was hard.
It will get better. Trust me.
Slowly, I stumble back to the bed. My shirt’s wet, but I’m too tired to care. I just flop down.
Idiot. Trust won’t do crap against dogs or crossbow bolts! Marcille’s not even here. She left you all alone!
Yeah well… I can’t do crap against any of that right now. If I actually ran out there… listened to my panicking idiot head… they’d catch me right away.
I take a deep, painful breath. Right now… I can’t do anything but trust. Trust that my… my Marcille will… keep me safe. Trust that we’ll figure this out.
It’s already too late for all that. Telling her about your messed-up freak problems won’t make the dogs go away. There’s nothing she can do for you anymore.
I let out a tired breath and curl up and try to ignore all the noises, in my head and outside the window. All of me just… hurts.
Just sleep, okay? Things will look a lot better when you wake up.
My body and head give up so easily. They do the only thing they can to escape the pain and fear and… pass out. Slip away again.
At least… if it all goes bad… I’ll be in the only good place I’ve ever had.
-
The door opens with a creak and jerks me awake. I shoot up, already sure there’ll be a man with a crossbow right there, aiming at me.
I stare, panting, as Marcille steps in. She closes the door and… frowns. At the wet floor and knocked-over chairs and… whatever. And me, all drenched and sprawled on the bed.
“What… happened here?”
I slowly pull myself up to sitting and squint at her.
“Got thirsty…” I mutter. My head’s throbbing so badly that I can barely look at her.
Marcille takes a breath. Then she manages a little smile and lifts a basket towards me.
“I… got you something to eat and… and the herbs too.”
She puts the basket down…but then she just keeps staring at me. Like she’s… thinking about something. Something… difficult.
“… What?” I finally ask.
Marcille takes another breath and glances at the door.
“Um, there’s… something else too. And… well… promise you’ll trust me?”
I squint at her.
“Trust… what?”
“Trust me. That… it’s really for the best. That… I really didn’t know what else to do…”
I feel myself tensing up. She’s… acting weird.
This is a trap. Told you to trust her. And now she’s planning something…
Marcille just… stands there, still all antsy. I stare, until the stinging in my head makes me clench my eyes. I don’t… have the brains to keep trying to figure this crap out…
“… Okay. I… trust you.”
Marcille takes a breath and opens the door again. She peers outside… and then there’s another voice.
“So… what kind of an injury is it? I haven’t really practiced my healing magic lately, so I don’t know if…”
Laios shuts up when he steps inside and sees me. He just stares at me… and I just stare at him.
”… You…” we both mumble at the same time.
His mouth gapes. My fur’s bristling.
Marcille pushes the door shut. It finally sets us off. Laios lets out a noise that might be my name and pounces. I let out an ugly screech and try to scrabble for cover… but I’m way slower than he is, right now.
“Izutsumi! You’re okay!”
Marcille grimaces from how loud it is. And I grimace from how hard he’s squeezing and shaking my ragged carcass.
“I was so worried! I tried to send out guards to find you, but you were just gone! Oh, this is a relief. You’re alright and…”
I try to wriggle out, but I don’t have any damn strength left. I’d just punch him in the eye right now, but he’s got my arms pinned… and I probably wouldn’t even manage as I am…
“Not… alright. Stop… crushing me…” I hiss between clenched teeth.
Laios’ eyes go wide, like he’s just realizing I look like crap.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t…” he mumbles and lets go.
I cough and glare at him. Maybe I should still punch him… even if it’d probably hurt me more right now…
Marcille steps forward, nervously.
“Please, let’s… not make too much noise. The walls are thick, but…”
Laios glances at her.
“Right. Sorry, I…”
“What’s he doing here?” I cut in. I stab a finger towards Laios.
“You said you’d… get medicine and food. He’s… neither.”
Marcille gives me an awkward look.
“I… I think it’s the best option here. You need healing. Laios knows healing magic and… and he’s our friend, he won’t tell anyone about this…”
“Is she sick? What…” Laios tries, but I’m louder. Somehow.
“He’s an idiot! He’ll blab to someone and then everyone will know! He…”
Laios grabs my flailing hand.
“Izutsumi, please. I promise I won’t… blab to anyone. I’m just happy to see you’re okay, and…”
He grabs my shoulder. Far too roughly. I let out a yelp.
“I’m… not okay, jerk!”
I finally find strength to sock him in the eye. It makes us both flinch and wince. Really… not okay.
Marcille steps forward, wincing too.
“Izutsumi’s in a pretty rough shape after… everything. Laios, I’d really appreciate it if you could help. You remember what Falin and I taught you, right?”
Laios glances at her and nods, slowly.
“More or less. Yes, of course I’ll help. And… maybe you can fill me in on what’s going on while we do that?”
Marcille gives me a look, like she’s waiting for me to say something. I try to give her even a bit of a sharp look that wouldn’t just seem like I’m hurting.
At least I get her to sigh.
“Izutsumi… I think we really need some help. There’s a… lot wrong here, and… and we can’t manage all this alone…”
The way she says it, fidgeting and frowning, kills all the sharpness I’m trying to muster. She looks like she’s just about ready to panic. Like… she really needs some help.
… Same as me.
This is what trust gets you, huh…
Oh, shut up…
I’m just about spent anyway. I just fall back down to the bed.
“Fine.”
-
“You… really suck at this”, I groan, between pained gasps.
Laios’ hands poke and prod my back. They stop for a moment, and his sigh hits my ears.
“I’m sorry. I… said I haven’t done this in a while. And… this really is pretty bad…”
“Yeah… well…” I gasp… but then he starts chanting again, and I have to bite the pillow.
I thought Marcille makes this hurt. She’s got nothing on Laios. I twitch and whimper and writhe as the next healing spell burns into me. Flesh melting back together, nerves screaming and twisting as they grow in.
It’s… almost a relief when he says he’s out of mana. Finally. Even if I’ve still got plenty of holes in my hide.
“But that should take care of the worst ones, at least”, he sighs.
“Yes. Thank you, Laios. This… really helps”, Marcille breathes out. Her hand strokes my shoulder.
“We got the infection out. The medicine will take care of the rest.”
I turn over slowly, painfully, and slide a hand to my lower back, to feel for the cut. I can tell it’s going to be an ugly, raised scar. But at least… it’s not a rotting hole.
Laios rubs his chin, frowning, on the edge of the bed. He’s already thinking about all that stuff they were talking about while he was healing me. What… happened with me. And… that count and the dogs and… and how people want to hunt me down now…
… And I’m trying to desperately not think about any of that. The… panic is still trying to push up…
“So… I suppose that is how things are now”, he finally says.
“It’s… ridiculous. They can’t just hunt her down like some… animal!” Marcille mutters.
“Well, she’s safe here for now. And we will make sure none of that happens”, Laios sighs.
He sounds… calm. Even if he is serious and worried. He… looks a bit like the old Laios, when things were bad.
“Yes, but… still! It’s wrong! Even if… even if what she did was bad, Izutsumi’s still entitled to… a trial. Or… whatever we’re supposed to do now…”
My eyes snap to her. The panic pushes up a bit more…
“A trial? What… what’s that supposed to…”
Marcille glances at me all antsy and tries to stammer out words.
“No, I just… I just mean that… that they can’t just do… this. That… whatever needs to happen needs to be… right.”
Her words trail off into a mumble. Like she’s remembering what this is even about, what I did… no matter how hard she tries to ignore it.
See, even if you trust her, you’ll be in trouble. They’ll put you in a cage, and…
Laios’ hands land on my and Marcille’s shoulders. He looks right at us both.
“For now, let’s just worry about keeping everyone safe. All the rest comes after that. You are my friends, and that is what matters right now.”
He… really does look like Laios back then. The one that knew what to do when some monster was trying to kill us. Somehow… it shuts up all the noises. In me… and in Marcille.
He squeezes our shoulders gently before letting go. But then he gives me another look.
“Izutsumi, could you… tell me what happened? With Kabru and… otherwise? I’d like to hear from you too.”
I glance at him, all stiff again. At least I can stiffen up again without feeling like I’ll break apart…
“We… haven’t talked about it yet, either”, Marcille mumbles. She sits down next to me, resting a hand on my shoulder.
They both stare at me like they’re expecting me to give them… something. Marcille’s still antsy and scared. Laios… just looks sad and serious. Not even angry. Like he just needs to… understand.
“All this is… serious. But I understand that… whatever caused all this in the first place must have been serious too. So… I’d really like to know.”
I clench my shivering hands against the sheets and stare down. There’s… no words in me to explain any of this. But… even I get that things are bad right now, and… these two might be the only people who even care. All the rest… want my head…
“… Scared”, I finally mutter. It’s… the only word that makes sense. Even if it stings so bad coming out.
Both Marcille and Laios blink. Like they’re shocked I’m even admitting anything could scare me.
If only they knew. Nothing in you quite as much as fear…
“You were… scared? Scared… of what?” Laios finally tries.
“Was it… the count? I know he’s intimidating, but…”
I let out a groan.
“No! No… yes, but… not just that. I… it was…” I stammer out words that lead nowhere at all. And then I have to stop.
I’m shivering all over. My hands are shaking like crazy. It’s… an even worse fear. Fear that… if I even open my mouth now… I just might die. Like I’m tugging at something really bad that might just… unravel me if I go any further.
Marcille’s hands slowly close around mine. I keep staring down. I can’t… face anyone like this…
I hear Laios taking a breath, finally.
“Alright. I… understand it was something… complicated. We’ll have to talk about this at some point, but… let’s not worry about it right now.”
I flinch when Laios also puts his hand in the pile, on top of Marcille’s. Normally I’d just tell him to shove off, but… no fight left in me right now…
“But… Izutsumi, why didn’t you ask for help? You were clearly… having problems during the banquet already. I tried to ask. I… would not have made you come meet the count if you’d…”
He trails off, like he really doesn’t have any nice words for me.
Ask for help… they all keep saying it like it’s so easy. As if… it wasn’t hideous that I need that help in the first place. To survive the crap everyone else just… does. As if I wasn’t hideous for it…
“Doesn’t matter now, does it”, I finally mumble.
Laios sighs.
“No, I… suppose not. We have to think about what to do next. For now, I think…”
A knock on the door shuts him up. Two quick, sharp hits. All three of us flinch and stare.
My breath’s already hitching, and the rest of me is tensing to run. Until Marcille’s hand lands on my shoulder. She gives me and Laios a look.
“Wait.”
She goes to the door as we just stare. Presses against it.
“Who… who is it?” she asks. Tries to sound whatever about it.
“It’s me”, comes a voice. It’s muffled, and quiet… but I recognize it. And… it doesn’t make me less tense.
It’s… Kabru.
Marcille glances at us both. Then she opens the door just enough to slip out. I can’t even see him… whatever he looks like right now… but both me and Laios can hear them talking just fine.
“Oh. Um… Kabru. Should you… is it okay for you to be up yet?”
“It’s fine. No time to sit around. I’m in good enough shape, thanks to you.”
“I see. That’s… good to hear. So… did you need something?”
“Izutsumi is not in there, correct?”
“What? Oh, no. Certainly not!”
Kabru’s question makes me twitch… and the way Marcille panics doesn’t help.
“… Good. She needs to keep not being there for at least a couple of days.”
“What? I… I’m not sure I…”
“Izutsumi isn’t there, in that chamber, right now. And I need you to make sure it stays like that. Until I can fix this mess she’s managed to stir up now. Understood?”
There’s a moment of quiet before Marcille finally speaks again.
“… Alright. I… understand. She isn’t here. No matter who asks.”
“Good… and for crying out loud, do not drag double portions of food up there in full view.”
“… Okay. I’ll just… I won’t.”
“Good. Now, I have to go find Laios. We’ll discuss all this later, alright?”
“… Yes. Um… thank you. I…”
“I’m not doing this as a favor. I’m not… fine with any of this. But… someone has to fix this, and I need to be absolutely sure there will be no more… incidents. So… please.”
“… Yes.”
“And… please don’t tell Laios about… her not being in there. He… is not always very careful.”
The door closes behind Marcille as she steps back in. She… stares at us, eyes wide. And we just stare back.
“Um… so… I suppose Kabru will… help us”, Marcille finally stammers.
I want to ask why the hell he wouldn’t just… bust me. After… what I did to him. But right now… it feels like I really should not complain about… any kind of help.
Laios nods.
“Yes. I think that’s probably the smartest thing right now. Laying… low, until we’ll figure out what to do.”
He looks at both me and Marcille, shuffling back next to me.
“I… should probably go after him. But… you’ll be okay here, right?”
I look down. I dunno if I’ll be okay anywhere right now. And even if I am… it’s only because all these idiots are making sure…
Marcille breathes out.
“We’ll… we’ll be okay. I’ve got the herbs and… all that.”
Laios gives her a nod.
“If there’s anything you need, please tell me. I will help. I’ll… try to make sure no one will disturb you.”
Marcille mumbles a thank you. I just… keep staring down. Can’t tear my eyes off my shivering hands.
Laios looks at me.
“Alright, Izutsumi?”
“Why…” my mouth opens and closes.
“Why… aren’t you just… throwing me in jail or… whatever? I… did that crap, anyway.”
Suddenly, Laios pulls both me and Marcille into a big hug. He… hugs nothing like Marcille. It hurts even now, even if I’m a bit less wrecked. Caught me out…
“I don’t know why this happened, but you both… you are my friends. I won’t abandon my friends like that. We’ll talk about what needs to happen later. For now, I just need to know you’re both safe. Please.”
He squeezes us tight against himself, says the words loud and clear into our ears. It’s… enough to just get me stop wriggling.
It’s… enough to also make my face itch again. Damn last night just loosened it all up…
“… Yeah”, I finally mutter.
Laios lets us go and steps to the door.
“And… if things take a turn for the worse somehow… I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’ll be alright. I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen next, but… we’ll figure this out.”
Marcille walks him out as I just… huddle where he dropped me. My ears pick out a few hushed words.
“… try to talk to her, see what…”
“… Count… dangerous man…”
“… not sure if Kabru…”
“… safe.”
“You too.”
Marcille comes back in. She looks somehow both more sad and less pained than before.
“Does… does it feel any better now?” she asks.
I stare at her. Is she seriously asking if Laios’ hugs are helping…
“… I dunno.”
“Well, the healing magic will probably take a bit to stop hurting, but… at least there’s no infection anymore.”
I blink. Right. Yeah. Of course.
Marcille comes to sit with me. She pulls me into a tight squeeze. I breathe out. At least these hugs always help.
Still here. With her. Things aren’t… all bad yet.
“How about… we finally get some food into you? And some medicine too? You really look like you need both.”
I guess the healing magic is doing something, since I can actually tell the hunger pangs apart from the rest of the pain…
“Okay.”
-
“Alright, there we go. Better?”
Marcille puts the spoon back in the empty gruel bowl and sets it aside. She… insisted on feeding me. Again, since I’m all messed up thanks to myself… again.
“Yeah”, I mumble, licking my lips.
Not sure if that’s true. My belly’s still trying to throw it all back out. But… at least I don’t feel hollow.
… And at least I’ve still got my Marcille, who wants to feed me gruel at all.
“Good”, she says, and gets up to put the bowl away.
“The medicine should help too. I’ll mix up some more.”
She gets out the wine bottle and the herbs and… whatever other gross stuff she needs for that. I grimace.
Marcille glances at me.
“None of that. You really do need to recover. There’s been… quite enough wear on you already.”
There’s just enough edge in it to make me flinch and drop all the faces. I… really am in trouble, after all. She hasn’t forgotten it either…
Marcille throws me another look, sitting there with my ears drooping, and sighs.
“… I didn’t mean it like that. I just… want to make sure we get through this, okay?”
I relax a little… but the words don’t exactly comfort.
“… Yeah. I know. Sor…”
I bite my tongue. She… needs better words.
“Thanks.”
She smiles a little, and sighs again.
“And we really will get through this. Laios is going to help us. And… Kabru too.”
She almost sounds confident about it… until she gets to Kabru. I look down.
“… Dunno why. He should be calling for my head the most. Just like everyone else…”
Marcille’s hands stop with the mixing. She gives me a look. A sad one.
“… Izutsumi. What happened was bad. Really bad. Terrible stuff…”
I flinch again. My eyes drop. But I hear her taking a deep breath. The sad look turns into a sad smile.
“… But this is still your home. We don’t just throw out our own, even if it’s… really tough. We fix things.”
She lets it sink in for a moment.
“And… we will need to fix this. Kabru… will want answers, like everyone, and you will have to give them. But I think he at least wants to do this right. Not just… get a mob together and…”
Marcille falls quiet. Only the clinking, as she mixes the herbs, goes through the room. She swallows.
“There’s… plenty who don’t think that way”, I finally mumble. I… don’t think she can make this seem any better, no matter what she does…
Marcille stares at the mixing bowl, before sighing again.
“… I suppose. Not all people are as good. And you have… not always made yourself very welcome here. But… that just means we need to make sure we fix this right.”
Marcille taps the mixing spoon against the bowl and pours it all into a mug. She brings it over to me. I take a whiff and try not to retch. It’s… gross. But even if it’s bitter… right now it’s the least of my worries.
Marcille sits with me as I try to get it down and rubs my back. Still sore enough to smart… even if it is getting better. Not sure if it’s this stuff or Laios…
“Speaking of all that… have you thought about what you… promised last night?”
The mug stops in my hands, mid-raise. They suddenly feel so stiff. My back tenses under her hand.
You promised you’d tell her. And you knew she’d hold you to it, too…
I stare into the murky mug. It’s… starting to shake. All the fear… all the pain… all the ugliness in me is clawing, like it can sense a way out. And the cat is hunching behind all that.
“I… I don’t… know how to … tell. Haven’t… had time to think”, I mumble, down into the swill.
She waits for a little while, and then her hand comes to hold the mug with me. It looks ready to slip out of my shaky hands.
“Can… I help? Is there anything I can do to make it easier?”
The way Marcille looks at me should comfort me. But…
“… Don’t know. I…”
My voice hikes up. Cracks, suddenly. It feels like I’m confessing something horrible already. Already… tugging on that thing that’ll kill me…
“I… dunno what will… happen then…”
It breaks… into sobs. My shoulders shake and tremble.
I cried so much last night that I thought I was bleeding out all the pain there was in me. I was wrong. There’s… so much more. And it’s crushing me.
Her arms come around me, to hold me steady. To stop me from tearing apart.
“Okay… okay… we don’t need to do that now”, Marcille says, and rocks me like a scared little child.
How would you know what that feels like? You were never rocked as a child. You were never a child anyway. Just a thing…
I guess she just rocks me like I’m scared, then. And somehow… it helps a little.
She waits until my whimpering dies down before she gives me the mug back. And then she takes a rag so she can clean my face. Snot and tears…
“I promised you’d get as much time as you need. I… understand it’s difficult. So… as long as you really do try to think of how to let me help… there’s no rush, okay?”
She smiles so nicely for me, again… even if I know it’s not true.
There’s plenty of rush. It’s all going to hell, Laios and Kabru or no.
Marcille’s thumb brushes over my cheek, gently. But then her face hardens a little.
“But… you have to promise me something. Promise me… that what happened last night will never happen again.”
I try to flinch back… but she holds onto me. My mouth tries to stammer out something. I don’t even know what.
Even I don’t know if I can keep that promise. Not… anymore…
“Promise me it will not happen… because you’ll make sure to let me make sure.”
I blink and frown, ears flat. What’s that even mean?
“I asked you to trust me with all this… and that includes this. Promise me that… you will tell me if it feels like something bad might happen, or like you are having trouble. That… you do not try to do any of this alone anymore.”
Marcille stares into my eyes.
“Promise me. Otherwise… if I cannot trust you… I cannot help you. I have to know I can trust that you let me help. That you will, no matter what, let me make sure things go right.”
I shiver. She’s… asking me to… really surrender. To really… depend on her. In… everything. To…
… to be weak, again.
… No. She’s asking me… to trust her.
“… Okay. I…” I mumble, mouth thick.
It cracks and breaks again. I press my face against her. Against the warmth.
“I… I’m… tired. I just want it to be okay. I… want you to help me make it okay. So… I will. I… I promise.”
I shiver. So many angry noises scream in my head. I surrendered in the garden. I surrendered in the tub. And now… I’m surrendering again.
Marcille’s hands come to my back, rubbing gentle little circles. Promising me it’s going to be alright. That they’ve got me. Now and… always.
“Thank you, my girl. And I know I can trust you on this. I won’t let you down.”
It takes me a long time to pull myself back up and away from her. I don’t want to, anyway… but there’s still the medicine.
Marcille rubs my shoulder and gives it a pat.
“Now, let’s polish that off and go to bed. You need rest.”
-
And when it’s all dark, and the wine is softening my head, and the herbs have killed the worst of the pain and fever, and I lie down next to Marcille, and she runs hands over my head… I might almost believe, again, that things will be okay.
Almost.
“Marcille.”
She looks down at me, with a small smile. Like she has for who knows how long.
“Yes, my girl?”
My body’s all loose and limp. Her hands stroke my head, and neck, and back, and keep telling me it’ll all be okay.
“If they find out I’m here… you’ll be in danger.”
The hands stop. She frowns.
“We’ve… got people helping. It won’t happen.”
She almost manages to make it sound good. But… I hear the hesitation. I frown back at her.
“You told Laios that the… count was already… suspecting you.”
Marcille takes a deep breath.
“… Yeah. But… don’t worry about it right now, okay? You said you’d trust me with all this.”
I hesitate. Shift a little.
“I… do…”
“Good. Then, don’t worry about it, alright? It’ll all get sorted out.”
… You do, but won’t matter how much you trust her, if it gets her hurt.
I grab one of her hands, before it can distract me again.
“Marcille. Don’t… do anything stupid. You… can’t do anything… really stupid for me. Even if… things go bad.”
She gives me a sad smile, almost like she’s saying she already has, plenty of times. But then she turns her hand around and grabs mine. So we can hold each other.
“We’re in this together. As long as you trust me, and let me do my part, we will come out okay. Things will look better as soon as we figure out what to do, with Laios and Kabru. So… please, just until then… trust me, and let me worry about it.”
Slowly, her hand embraces mine and tugs with me. Like so many times. Asking me to let it take care of things. And the other brushes over my face. No tears anymore. She took them all away.
“… Okay”, I finally mumble.
I… don’t know if it’s what I should say. Or even what I want to say. But… I can’t figure out anything else.
I let Marcille’s hands take me and promise me they’ll keep us both safe. And even if it gnaws at me… there’s one thing I do know.
“I love you, my girl.”
“I… love you too.”
There is no lie in the hands, or the words. Or the lips that brush together. There’s just… the love.
At least that… just that… is still true. And that means… all this is still worth it.
